dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
