Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
