Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
