i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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