party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
