when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
