She is in my trunk
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
