atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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