Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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