It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
