i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
