I cannot find my penis.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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