Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
