I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
