I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
