Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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