you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
please come you make the beer taste better
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
