and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
