I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
