he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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