The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
