I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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