Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
