Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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