I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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