i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
did i just pee glitter
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
