Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
