Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
