some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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