im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
