those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
