I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
