I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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