OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
