I wish I could punch you in the face.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
