Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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