walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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