It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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