Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
