someone get that fucking seahorse.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
this beer tastes like vomit already
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
