That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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