ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
