So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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