I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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