Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
