I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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