forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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