It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
