I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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