My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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